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Teacher, and TongJiang Tian PingShan Primery schoolmaster, school ChengBanRen, graduated from college degree of sichuan, before the people - town has set the mood, junior middle school, junior middle school attached to changxing torch taught to 14 year

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Friends or 'Enemies?'  

2012-04-20 06:08:32|  分类: 博客英文 |  标签: |举报 |字号 订阅

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Friends or 'Enemies?'

When I was younger, my Dad used to tell me: "Boys don't want to be your friend." He then left the rest to my imagination.

At the time, I didn't agree. I thought: I can crack a good joke, I know how to shoot a hoop, and I'm a cheerful person (but not in an annoying way). What kind of boy wouldn't want to be around that kind of girl?

Turns out, my Dad was right. Not to be all "Samantha Brick" about it, but in my experience, single, heterosexual men aren't actively looking for an exclusively platonic relationship with a woman they find sexually attractive. This of course is not a revolutionary concept. In fact, it seems pretty natural to me.

Now, I will be the first to say that it is really and truly the most wonderful thing in the world if the attraction is mutual. But the Powers That Be seem to like to play these complicated little mating games with humans where the guy we want to re-enact scenes from 9? Weeks with sees our attractiveness level as akin to that of a discarded dishcloth, and the most physical we could see ourselves being with the guy who actually likes us is a game of ping pong over an especially long table. All of which means that someone usually ends up getting rejected.

I'm sure I'm not alone when I say I have struggled with the scenario where I am not interested in a man romantically, but I want to keep him as a friend because he is funny and I enjoy his company, or he has shown himself to be that rare specimen known as "a nice, genuine person, " or he simply doesn't mention his therapist in every other sentence.

Rather than string him along and give him hope, I feel compelled to somehow communicate to him sooner rather than later that we'll just be staying friends, nothing more. Otherwise, I think I am being unfair to him. Why should he waste his romantic stamina on me when there are loads of other single women out there who might fall instantly in love with him?

The thing is, it can sometimes be tricky to reject a man and keep him as a friend. If the operation is not executed carefully, you may end up creating a "menemy."

It requires a certain amount of skill to be able to turn down a man's sexual advances or romantic gestures and then get him to agree to meet you for blueberry pancakes the following weekend and chat about the latest Woody Allen film. Some men aren't satisfied with just that. I'm not clear why. What's so bad about friendship? Everyone needs buddies. But I've seen men react poorly or simply fall off the face of the earth. I get it -- their feelings are hurt. None of us likes getting rejected. But in my experience, some men find it especially soul-crushing.

I am only bringing all of this up because I recently had to go through this scenario again. I had spent some time cultivating a friendship with a man who, in my defense, I thought was gay. So I didn't see the harm in him buying me the occasional falafel, or accepting an invitation to see a film with him. Isn't that what friends are for? But a mutual friend shed light on his sexual orientation (straight) and suggested that his intentions -- and attentions -- weren't platonic. He had never "made the moves" but now it was all crystal clear -- that explains the way he had looked at me that time the tahini sauce dribbled down my chin!

Since he had clearly been too timid to express his feelings, I thought I would be clever this time and subtly mention the dates I had been going on, focusing on the one guy I was kind of keen on, so that he would know that I was "unavailable" for heavy petting and those sorts of activities, but that I was available for things like roller skating, falafel-eating and shooting the breeze. Doesn't that sound nice? That way, he would known not to try to lean in for a kiss, and I wouldn't have to pull the Stevie Wonder dance and dodge him went he went for it. It was like pre-rejection, yet I was sparing his feelings because he didn't even have to put himself out there! I really thought I was being brilliant.

It backfired, of course. Said man ended up sending me an email rant accusing me of being insensitive by talking about other men when he had "feelings for me." As if I am psychic, by the way, just because I am a woman! How was I supposed to know that? I think in his mind we were dating. In my mind, he was my new gay BFF. In the end, I got mad at him for getting mad at me, and now the friendship has ended.

And I have created yet another "menemy."

Look, I have also tried the direct thing: "I really like you, but only as a friend, " but you can only do that when the guy has made his intentions clear, and in my experience, they either cope okay (though rarely do I feel much enthusiasm for friendship after that), or they really don't cope well. I also tried the thing where you make them think they are rejecting you, but it gets quite confusing and only works if the guy isn't very sharp, and why would I -- or you -- be hanging out with someone not that sharp in the first place?

As we all remember, Billy Crystal's character says men and women can't be friends in When Harry Met Sally because the sex stuff gets in the way. I do have single, male, heterosexual friends with whom I have an easy, non-romantic rapport, but I honestly don't know if they would walk away if I was sprawled naked on a bed calling out to them. I may not be everybody's cup of tea, but sometimes, I wonder if they wonder. And they may wonder if I wonder. If so, I hope they'll keep it to themselves.

被拒后:朋友亦或敌人?

    我很小的时候,父亲就常叮嘱我:“男孩并不想和你交朋友.” 然后将弦外之音留给我去琢磨思量。

    那时我并不以为然,认为凭自己的幽默诙谐,灌篮娴熟,开朗活泼的性格,又有那一个男孩不喜欢在这样的女孩身边呢?

    但结果证明父亲是对的。对此不需要太自恋(Samantha Brick,自由专栏女作家曾写过为什么女人恨我等文章,有英版芙蓉姐姐之称),但以我的经验来说,单身异性恋男士在他们认为极具吸引力的女性身上并不想只是寻求一份简单的柏拉图式的关系。当然这一概念并没有什么开创性,事实上在我看来再自然不过了。

    首先我要说的是两情相悦的确是世界上最为美妙事。但上帝却好似很喜欢玩这种复杂的配对游戏,要么是通过九个半周的交往后,我们想与之确定关系的男孩认为我们的吸引力指数同丢弃的抹布不相上下,要么就是我们对中意我们的男孩不起化学反应,两人总是像隔着一长长的桌台打乒乓球一般。结果都是以另一方被拒而告终。

    有些异性我虽然不想和他交往,但很想和他做朋友,因为他幽默诙谐,有他陪在身边我会很开心,或者他友好善良并且为人真诚(这一类人可是稀缺性品种),或者是他不是每隔一句便提起他的理疗师。我敢说这种情形你也经历过吧。

    我认为有必要对他说明白我们之间只会是朋友这种关系这么简单,仅此而已。说这些话宜早不宜晚,而不是将他带在身边给他希望。不然对他来说是不公平的。外面那么多单身女性,她们或许会对他一见钟情,为什么要让他白白浪费精力放在我身上呢?

    但有时在拒绝一位男士后要想和他保持朋友关系,这种情况颇为棘手。如果处理不当,结果是你可能会结下梁子。

    要想拒绝异性的追求或是一些暧昧举动,同时还要让他同意下一周他依然可以和你会面,边品尝蓝莓煎饼边谈论伍迪艾伦执导的电影,这的确需要一定的技巧。有些男士对此不以为意。我不清楚他们的原因,做朋友难道不好吗?每个人都有自己的朋友呀。但是我确实见到有些男性在被拒绝后反应很糟糕,有的甚至好似在地球蒸发了一样再也没见到他的面。我明白--他们受伤了。没有人喜欢被别人拒绝。根据我的经验甚至有些男士认为被拒让人精神崩溃。

    提起这些是因为最近我就遇到了这种情况。前段时间我和位异性发展着朋友关系,我起初一直以为他是同性恋。所以他时不时给我买三明治,或是邀请我去看电影,我都没觉得有什么问题。朋友不就是做这些吗?但朋友间是需要彼此都明白各人的性取向的(他是异性恋)还要暗示对方他的想法意图并不是柏拉图之类。他从未做出暧昧举动,但事实上,他看我脸上有芝麻酱的眼神就已经说的很明白了。

    他有些胆怯还没有袒露对我的感情,所以我想这次我可以聪明些向他委婉的提下我最近一直和某个男生在交往,并对这个我颇为动心的男生十分用心。不用说他就明白恋人间得耳鬓厮磨不属于我和他,而类似滑冰,吃吃三明治呀,或闲聊呀我都没问题。我这样做是不是还不错呀?这样他就明白不要试着前倾身子去吻我,我也不会用以要学史蒂威·旺达舞蹈为借口来躲避他的不轨举动。在他未向我表白前我就已然拒绝他了,我认为这招妙哉。

    当然结果是事与愿违。此男再给我发送的邮件中激昂痛骂我多么没有感情:明知道他对我的情意却当着他的面谈论其他男生。仅仅因为我是女的,好像我就是神经病一样。我哪知道这些呀?我认为在他心里我们就一直在约会,而在我心里却把他当做可以做一辈子的同性恋朋友。最后,因为他对我生气,我也对他动了气,友情也就戛然而止了。

    我又结下了一段梁子。

    你瞧,我也试过用较为直接的方式回绝男生,“我真的很喜欢你,但只是出于朋友间的喜欢而已。”这招仅适用于当此男表明了他的感情时候。在我经验中,有些男生反应还可以(尽管随后我觉得他同我做朋友的热情度大打折扣),有些男生对此应对得不是太好。还有一招我也用过,就是让他们感觉是他们在拒绝你,这招颇具有迷惑性且对象仅适用于头脑不是很敏捷的男生。但话又说回来,我怎么会和一个头脑不灵光的男生交往呢?

    我们都会记得在当哈利遇上莎莉这部电影中比利克里斯托扮演的角色曾说:男人和女人从来不会是朋友,因为“男女有别”。我的确有一些单身异性恋的男性朋友,我和他们之间也处的轻松随意,无关乎风月,但我真的不知道要是我懒洋洋赤身裸体于床上,大声唤着他们,他们是否会决然走开呢?我或许不是每个人的菜,但有时我想他们是否会考虑我是不是他们喜欢的类型,或许他们也会想我会不会有同样的念头。如果是这样的话,希望他们缄口不提保密于心吧。

    

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